They say we all make mistakes; we misjudge, we agree to things we know we can never accomplish, we choose to pretend, to hope that if we lie to ourselves for long enough, our lies will become our truth. But then, it becomes suffocating; like being trapped in a closet during hide and seek. The excitement is almost imperceptible now and all that’s left is stale air, darkness, us asphyxiating in our breath. We begin to fidget until it becomes a violent struggle. We get all these battle wounds from fighting to get out of a place we thought was safe and now we don’t care if we get caught. We’ll cry for help until we can breathe fresh, clean air again.
“You made a mistake and it’s okay”. Then why does my heart feel too heavy for my chest? And why does my throat quiver and close when I try to talk? Why does it feel like my tears spurt from an endless fountain behind my eyes? And what is all this shame that sears my heart until it becomes burning flesh? The pain, so visceral, it takes my breath away. And the sadness, oh so powerful like unending tidal waves, stronger than I will ever be. It does not feel like it will ever be okay.
But maybe you’ll find your healing and maybe and maybe a giant shadow will be looming over it or the bridge leading you will feel unsteady and maybe there’ll be no one to hold your hand, but you will find it. And when you do, you’ll have to be reckless. Recklessly fearless. You’ll reach for it even though you can’t quite see it and you will crawl across the bridge if you have to. Don’t worry, you won’t have to be your own sole defender because He’ll be there and you’ll watch all the others who love you, come through, rooting for you.
Mistakes are never the end. Healing will come.