This Love


You say you love me

Can’t exist without me

You claim you’d take a bullet for me

Wrestle a tiger to save me.

You call every time you get the chance

Send sweet sweet messages

Fill my room with beautiful tulips

Give me heart stopping presents.

You hold me when I’m sad and alone

Kiss away my tears

Let me feel your heartbeat and know that I’m not alone

You spray your warm kisses on my forehead.

But in my heart,

I feel nothing.

Even worse, you’re ¬†an intrusion

A mole that won’t go away

A rancid smell that cannot be locked away

I fight repulsion when you touch me

Want to wash away your sloppy kisses

Until my skin turns a burning, cleansing red.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for not sharing this feeling

For letting your love go to waste

For fake smiling everyday until my cheekbones hurt

But I hate you more.

For your saintliness

All your goodness

All your love

I hate that your love is cruel

I hate your love for holding me back

I hate this possessive love

This manic love that threatens to strangle me

I hate the jealousy and the anger

I hate the thoughtless words and thorny roses

All the kisses after the storm

All the hugs to fix your wrongs

This love is killing me

And I hate that all I can do is watch

Watch you drain my life with kisses and presents

This love …Is not love.