You say you love me
Can’t exist without me
You claim you’d take a bullet for me
Wrestle a tiger to save me.
You call every time you get the chance
Send sweet sweet messages
Fill my room with beautiful tulips
Give me heart stopping presents.
You hold me when I’m sad and alone
Kiss away my tears
Let me feel your heartbeat and know that I’m not alone
You spray your warm kisses on my forehead.
But in my heart,
I feel nothing.
Even worse, you’re an intrusion
A mole that won’t go away
A rancid smell that cannot be locked away
I fight repulsion when you touch me
Want to wash away your sloppy kisses
Until my skin turns a burning, cleansing red.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for not sharing this feeling
For letting your love go to waste
For fake smiling everyday until my cheekbones hurt
But I hate you more.
For your saintliness
All your goodness
All your love
I hate that your love is cruel
I hate your love for holding me back
I hate this possessive love
This manic love that threatens to strangle me
I hate the jealousy and the anger
I hate the thoughtless words and thorny roses
All the kisses after the storm
All the hugs to fix your wrongs
This love is killing me
And I hate that all I can do is watch
Watch you drain my life with kisses and presents
This love …Is not love.